My toxic trait is wishing a happy birthday to one of my close friends who never remembers mine, secretly hoping she’ll feel bad and try to remember it next years.
Yes I have toxic trait, we all secretly have it.
Instead of hiding it, I’m working on it by accepting and letting it all out here in my safest place on the internet so I can maybe, eventually, let go of this toxic freakin trait.
I never make a big of deal every time my friends forget about my birthday, except with this one close friend.
Most of my close friends have many other close friends besides me, so I totally understand if they sometimes forget my birthday and wish me the next day. I get it.
But this one friend, she only has 4 close friends including me. All this time I thought she was just bad at remembering friends’ birthdays until I remember vividly how hurt I was when:
-She reminded me about one of her 4 close friend’s birthday coming up soon. She didn’t say anything about my belated birthday.
-She casually told me, at the bookstore right in my face, that she gave good novel as a birthday present to one of her 4 close friends. Worst part, that friend has the same birthday month as me. How can she remember that friend birthday but not mine?
-She went online, viewed and liked Tyo’s post about wishing me a happy birthday, but not a single text I get from her that day.
My point is, she actually a celebrant and quite good at remembering her small circle’s birthdays except mine.
Why only my birthday just another day to her?
Seriously, “why?”
I feel like that’s really not fair to me.
If I’m not as close as the other 3 friends she has, what is this 10+ years of friendship for? Could she not view the friendship as close as I do?
It’s no way as a close friend she has no idea when my birthday is, even my virtual friends know just from this blog.
I once celebrated my birthday with her too, invited her to my 18th little party, she should’ve acknowledged.
Besides, as I already said, this year she went online, viewed and liked Tyo’s post about my birthday. She knew about it, but chose not to wish me a simple “hbd” which takes only 5 seconds to do and she wasn’t on vacation.
It wasn’t forgetfulness, it was crystal clear that she doesn’t want to and I won’t asked her for explanation because of that reason.
She did give me a birthday present couple times, but it was always late.
That’s why I tolerated her every year, thinking she was just bad at remembering friends’ birthdays, but now I think those presents just her way of making it up to me.
Now I keep expecting her to make it up to me over and over again instead of giving her the same energy like most people do.
I can’t match that kind of energy because that’s not who I am.
As long as me and all of my close friends still alive, I’ll keep wishing them a happy birthday.
I know I’m such a low-maintenance friend who doesn’t need constant texting, but when it comes to my birthday at least show up like I show up for you, I never asked for much.
I wish she celebrated me like I celebrated her
I wish her birthday didn’t trigger my toxic trait
I wish after I said happy birthday, I send her a link to my blog and just be like:
“this is how I feel, this is what you do to me”
What am I going to do with this friendship?
It’s okay, I won’t cut ties with my close friend over birthday case because that’s really an odd reason even though I was undeniably hurt and disappointed.
I also really value this 10+ years of friendship deep in my heart.
Me and her spent lots of time together from a teenager to a grown adult, I appreciate and love her like a sister.
I believe one day, as I get older and wiser, this birthday case would be less of an issue or I’ll get used to it.
Everything I write here is no longer her fault, she can do whatever she wants.
It’s me and my toxic trait.
I’m the sensitive guilt-tripping friend when my expectations are not met.
I’m the one who needs to stop expect anything from anyone ever again.
I’m the one who needs to train myself to take nothing personally.
I’m the one who is weird to wish someone close to me a happy birthday every year even though that person never wishes me the same.
