It’s not to make you feel bad or sympathetic, but to make me feel better, to validate my feelings and to acknowledge how much this sucks. It absolutely freaking sucks.
I think the bottom line is that I’m jealous, extremely jealous.
I’ve been secretly having very negative thoughts about my mother-in-law.
Since losing my mom, I think I hate her.
Hate is such a strong word and that’s why I’ve internally battled with this feeling for months because I know it’s wrong, unhealthy and ridiculous.
It started when she come to the house when mom wasn’t buried yet, she said “anggap aja ibu ini ibumu sendiri”
I didn’t say okay or anything because my mom is irreplacable, how dare she.
Not to mention she left early.
After that, I find myself becoming increasingly pissed off that she’s my only living “mother” figure that I can see and hear.
She irritates me, angers me, frustrates me.
It’s so hard to get rid of this resentful feeling towards her when she is the complete opposite of my mom and not treat me any better after mom passed away.
I tend to sleep a lot in a room when I’m sad and she is not happy with that.
Oh mother, I’m sorry that my silent grief makes you mad but how the hell do you think I feel?
And where were you in memory of the 3 days, 7 days and 40 days of my mom passing?
The slightest intervention she does really annoys the shit out of me.
I catch myself thinking thoughts like why she gets to be here while my mom isn’t. I would rather be talking or hanging out with my mom.
Then I hate myself for that because I sound like a horrible ungrateful person on earth.
I think the bottom line is that I’m jealous, extremely jealous.
I even had to deactive my instagram when Eid day was coming just because I didn’t want to see any of my friend’s family pictures with their living mother.
Why couldn’t I be happy for them? That sucks.
I don’t want to be like this. This isn’t me. I never hate someone before. This hate comes from the pain of my grief. I hope these negative feelings will go away someday soon.
I’m sorry for a lot of bad words in this post.
